love people so much you go to all extremes to help them

" just livin my life"

2009-02-22T16:19:00.000-08:00

this was a pretty great weekend. i had my life camp all weekend.

one of my friends from middle school came along. i havent seen her in forever!
man, we were best friends and we clicked instantly this weekend.

when i started dating my last loser jerk boyfriend he kinda isolated me from alot of people. and in the end we lost touch.

i got a change to share jesus in different way. i got a chance for her to see the change in me. instead of giving her lecture about jesus i was able to let my actions show him. and eventually in barnes and noble really talk to her. and show her how jesus saved me. saved me from stupid mistakes. saved me from my stupid boyfriend.
that because of him im happy and even though i dont have things figured out and i mess up, god keeps loving me. and hes showing me who i really am.

you know things really suck sometimes. but i reaaaaally believe that some people just have to work harder. that god knew that there were people who were going to struggle more with different temptations and pressures. sometimes i get "in it". but god is standing strong with me. my mom knows i struggle quite a bit and she knew i loved our grandfather clock that always chimes. so she always tells whenever i hear it that i need to remb god is here, god loves me, and my parents love me. know i like sitting in the living room because i love hearing the clock even more.

my loser ex boyfriend tried to call me all weekend. my theory is that it was the devil trying to distract me from what god was showing me. i didnt answer :]]]]]
be proud!

2009-02-16T16:06:00.000-08:00

im in it.

thats the only way i can explain these period of times.

ive struggled with depression and anxiety since i moved into the apartments, our first year in GA.
something happened to me then, but i cant make sense of it yet.

ive been reading the lady i babysit for blogs. her brother has been "in it" for awhile.
something she said, not in the same words, but she said that God isnt revealing everything that hapened to him.
he knew that her brother wasnt ready to know everything.

thats comforting. so extremely comforting. its so hard for me to say im trusting god because i know something happened
and im scared i hurt someone else because of it. that sounds stupid, but idk how else to say it.

but i have to give myself and god credit. this year ive been moving forward. i left the boy who i depended on to make me feel good, to bring me up, to make me feel loved. i havent talked to him in months and when im "in it" i reaaaally feel like i need him, but im learning to lean on god. sometimes there are times i just lay in my bed repeating to god that im clinging to you, im clinging to you. im learning to listen to god and let him speak through me. im surrounded by really postive people. ive learned some of my strengths. i have a heart for children and im naturally good with them. i really enjoy being with and around them. god has put some really awesome people in my life. i also really enjoy being a small group leader.
man i love those girls, all 17 of them. and ive really felt god speaking through me and trust me i welcome it! ive also learned i have a heart for the broken. i guess cause they are or were "in it" to.

like i said before its so hard for me to say im trusting god with this now. but i need to. i know i need to.
i just need to trust him, he knows whats going on.
i just hate being "in it"

2009-02-11T15:14:00.001-08:00

this morning i woke up to a text from my mom saying that my uncle gave her something for me.

that morning i found an envelope with the letter J on it.
my uncle had wrote me letter about how proud he was and how much he loved me!
then i looked in th envelope again and saw ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!
i couldnt help but cry. i was so surprised and over flowing with joy.

well today as i was reading my book i was suddenly inspired!
i cant tell you what it is because i havent prayed about it.
but let me tell ya my heart has never been so excited.

love love love

2009-02-10T18:17:00.000-08:00

tonight was a great night!

i came home from school. watched alittle wife swap then went to hang out with my grandpa.
a while ago i asked him if he would lead me in a bible study.
today was the first day! we had so much fun! he made me a worksheet everything.

after that he dropped me off to meet with my small group leader sarah p.
that was GREAT conversation. she is one of the greatest people i know.
lately ive been falling away from my current small group.
things have been changing so much for me. this last year i have learned so much.
i finally let go of the old me and is now embracing the new me. the person jesus knew i was all along.
everyone in my small group is still stuck in the slumps. i feel like i dont have any postive honest people to encourage and grow with me.
im dropping in my group because ive been with them for so long and ive never want to leave them.
but im now in search for another group. i really want to learn and grow. and i want some people who want that to.

my friend kasey have both been looking for this and sarah has said that she really wants to be that for us.

im meeting up with kasey tom and im really excited to catch up on her and talk about this new group.

also im reading an awesome book! ive actually stopped reading everything else.
im realizing that have a such a heart for the broken. i know what its like to feel so gone, so lost, so.... broken.
i also know what its like to pick up the pieces and surrender to christ.
now im not saying i have everything figured out cause i most deff dont ,but i get it.
and i want to love on the broken.

2009-02-08T17:11:00.001-08:00

im sitting in my basement.
theres candy wrappers, a black sock, empty water bottles, and the smell of 12 sweaty sixth grade girls.

this weekend was been crazy! ive felt exhausted, frustrated, cranky, annoyed, overjoyed, giddy, and an over flow of love.

friday night i went and picked all my girls at the church. before we listened to some great music and listened to Phillip talk. it was the perfect way to get the night going and everyone reeeeeally crazy hyper!

saturday we talked about the person we were deep inside and qualities that were important to us.

then we went to the mall. the first store we went into we got kicked out. HAHA it makes me laugh now, but at the time i had one girl throwing up, one girl crying, and the others terrified! some guy accused one of them of trying to steal. he just misunderstood what she was trying to do. eh its over now.

that night we went back to the church and had our last session of the weekend. i had t pause and think of how to describe it.
there is nothing more incredible than being surronded by kids who have opened there hearts to God for the first time ever in there life. i was surronded by middle schoolers crying, overwhelmed by such an incredible God. a god who was telling them he was there, he loved them, he didnt care about what happened in the past, he loved them dearly.

i cried like a baby. i was so happy for all of these kids. it makes me cry now. im so proud of my girls.

well i didnt sleep so im going to get in my bed.... might clean first.

2009-01-28T17:12:00.000-08:00

"Answer me when i call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.... the Lord will hear when i call to him."
Psalm 4: 1-3

my heart is so sad. one of sixth grade girls is going through alot.

she was adopted from Indonesia (i think thats how you spell it) at the age of 5.
as a young child she was exposed to things i cant even fully understand. even though she was so young there were things that were just embedded inside of her.

to add some things on top of that she is feeling alot of pressure.
pressure from friends at school, from TV shows, and from music.
it makes me so angry and so sad all at the same time. i want to meet the people who write the lyrics to the stupid songs and put those stupid TV shows on air.
they tell young people sex is ok. if you get pregnant there arnt REAL consequences.
it says lets change the world! but lets make pot legal! they say being gay is OK even God thinks its ok! they say dont do drugs, but they portray them to be cool.

my brothers young friend whos is in middle school texted me a couple of months ago.
she was completed heart broken, she felt confused, unworthy, disgusting, and dirty at least those were the words she used to describe herself. the boy I HAVE TO SIT BY EVERY DAY had sex with her. convinced her that he loved her and then took her virginity and then made fun of her and left her without a word. A 17 YEAR OLD BOY HAD SEX WITH A 12 YEAR OLD GIRL! i hate him. my eyes are tearing up i hate him so much. where were her parents?! where was her older brother?! why wasnt anyone there to protect her?
i cant even begin to understand it.

this little girl in my group has been stealing things. some of that comes from the things she went through as a young child, but it also comes from the pressures she has been experiencing.

i dont know what else to say expect that my heart is so sad. for her mother, and family, and esp for her. my heart is so sad for all of my sixth graders. for all children everywhere. i cant help but cry as i write this. sometimes i just dont get it. i wish i could understand why God would let these children get hurt.
but we wont ever understand, not yet anyways.
this is way we neeed him.

"Out of the depths i cry to you, O lord;
O Lord hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy."

"i love O Lord!" Psalms 18:1

God i trust you, God i love you. i know you are here and i know you love them all so dearly. even though i dont understand any of it at all i trust you. you know what your doing. you know what will happen in the end. please use me in anyway you want. i am yours, my life is yours. i love you i love you i love you

now i just want to worship you

2009-01-25T19:03:00.000-08:00

today was a hard day.
i got to sleep in alittle and was up on time and had my shower and fixed my hair ext ext.
but i had clean close upstairs so i ran upstairs in a towel and discovered that someone in the family had dumped my clothes out on the floor so that they could use that basket (that person has to come clean of course). and THEN i see that my dog has gatten into trash and there is now rice all over my clean clothes!! so im basically furious in the kitchen naked in a towel. So then my youngest sister, the youngest, has lately been hitting that age of randomly angry, randomly really "snotty". So she comes down is saying something and honestly i dont even remb what she said but i do remb it just made the whole thing worse. so i find something somewhat decent and im ready for church.

incase you didnt know im a small grouper for 17 sixth grade girls. and i love them to death. they make me laugh so hard. but i annouced at the camp coming up that there were no cell phones. and one girl cried! and another was extremely disrespectful to me.
i felt so awful here i am trying to do the right thing for THEM and there either crying or mad at me. so by the time i got to my nanas i went to bathroom and just cried.

but tonight my mom took us all out to eat. and i got a chance to talk to my mom about the whole thing at church and she had some good advice for me. then the little girl who was rude called me and said she was sorry and was so sincere about it to. and then i stopped by the house of the people i babysit i got a chance to see the whole family. there mother is someone i love so dearly and look up to and was so kind and remb i had the SAT and all her kids wanted to talk to me at the same time and show me some of the crafts they had made.

Gods popped up. he reminded me that he was there and i wasnt alone. He will take care of everything. i love him dearly.

2009-01-21T17:24:00.000-08:00

today i got all 71 dollars worth of pictures!

what a perfect time to get them. it made me feel so refreshed and reflect on all the good times.

my life is pretty awesome.
gods pretty awesome.

2009-01-19T15:43:00.000-08:00

all week i have been running around.
and starting tom it will get busy again.

SO today was my do nothing day.
it was fantastic!
i went to bed early, woke up at 10, watched sense and sensibility, watched free movies on cable,
and im ending my day with jon and kate plus 8 marathon!
oh yea stayed in my pjs allll day

i hang out with cool sixth graders

2009-01-17T16:42:00.000-08:00

this week has been crazy busy.
ive babysat everyday
ive study for chemistry and geometry tests
ive TRIED to prepare for the SAT
ive written a 10 page bussiness letter
and ive hung out with 13 sixth graders at CiCis pizza hut.

i love babysitting! you grow to love those kids so much!

and i love my little sixth grade children.
they are some of the loudest, craziest, funniest, most loving group of kids ive ever met!
there so kind to each other and each person makes the other feel welcomed and loved.
there so awesome!
heres some picture from today!

2009-01-12T17:40:00.000-08:00

school school school

what do i need to do?
raise my GPA
get a 100 in CHEMISTRY!!! and MATH!!!!
get A's in the other classes
finish practice SAT
pug in allll the answers into computer
TAKE the SAT
call all 16 of my girls.
babysit
go in early for help and tutor

looks like another sleepless month.

2009-01-11T12:59:00.000-08:00

man i have so many things say.

school is kicking my butt and taking most of time. for matter of fact i have hw to do right now.
ive always struggled with depression. its hard because its always so up and down. one day things are awesome the next they are not.
the devil has been persueing me so hard lately. sometimes at night im scared of demons. he just knows my every weakness.
my biggest weaknesses is my old boyfriend. its been so long since ive even seen him but he still trys to contact me.
things always get better and im going to make it through this.
idk what else to say other than that.

i need more things to do with my time. believe it or not i need things to help occupy mind and keep thinking postively.
i think im going to start yoga :]
idk something fun

ive got youth group and then a book club. sundays are never restful. :] buuut there fun!

2009-01-05T15:58:00.000-08:00

today was a great day. i woke everyone up and had them clean the house completely for my mom. then my poppy and nana came and got us and took us to steak and shake and petsmart. i have the greatest grandparents fyi.

i think i today i learned that i looove doing things. i like reading, finishing up laundry, picking up my room, typing up emails, calling my girls. ive realized that i dont like being lazy and that its relaxing to read my book or fold the laundry.

i love my siblings. everyone has there own special personalities that really makes this family wonderful.

catherine who is 15. is just goofy and silly. she is always laughing and makes us all laugh along with her. she really cares for her friends and will always be there for them.

jack is 12. he is the peacemaker. with three girls who all have opinions there tend to be arguments and my brother is the one to change the subject quickly. he is quiet and thoughtful and is always listening. he is extremely smart to. he is always giving us facts about animals and space and germs.

emily is 11. she acts like a teenager allready! she is so free spirited and has such a love for life. i remb when she use to skip down walmart singing. she is always smiling and always looking to me and catherine for guideness wether in clothes or friends.

the greatest thing about them all is that they all have such great big hearts. they all love there friends and each other with everything in them. my prayer is that they learn to love jesus this way and feel his love for them aswell.

2009-01-04T19:30:00.000-08:00

so at this point in time im realizing that the devil has really been persueing me.
its like he knows that school is extremely hard on me. i feel like i never really come home feeling great or sastified. i feel more drained and exhausted and grumpy.

im beginning to learn how to relive my life. ive been feeling caught in these patterns which are leaning me more toward loneliness. but i feel God. and i feel him telling me to hang in there.
awhile ago i went to a camp and i went on a hike by myself. god really spoke to me then. he showed that things had been hard in the past and that they were still going to be hard, but in the end things would beautiful and i would find the peace i so desperatly want.

im still figuring things out, but things always get better. thats how life is. things are bad and good, up and down, back and forth.

on a strange note, i took tylenol PM on accident this morning. so not only was i waaay overwhelmed by the 24 sixth grade girls packed into one room but i was really hot and groggy and grumpy and i couldnt get my sentances out correctly.
at this point in time im wide awake.

2009-01-02T18:54:00.000-08:00

i just saw a commerical where someone tried to break into a house while there was a babysitter home. i have never locked the doors when im babysitting, but now i think i will!

today i spent the day with the stephens. we ran around altantic station for alittle while then ended up at king tut. it was really cool there. we saw a coffin and necklaces and rings and some other things. its so weird to think that someone was once in the coffin and whereing those rings.

im realizing that most of the words in this have red dotted lines under them, but i dont feel like fixing my spelling errors.

lets see where is my heart...

right now my heart is confused. ive fallen into my old ways and old ways of thinking.

part of me was annoyed because i wasnt feeling god and i felt like i was crying out to him.

reality of it was i wasnt reaaaally listening for him.

he has also taught me the last couple of days that i feel him the most when im loving others and when im surronded by his art... aka his people, his trees, his nature.

thats it for now.

these are some of my girls. they are so great!

christmas christmas christmas!!!!

2008-12-25T20:38:00.000-08:00

this morning we got up at 645 and woke up my parents. then we all opened up our stockings and presents. we all got new phones. my youngest brother and sister were so surprised! i got some clothes and books. lots of books :]

we later on went to my uncles and hung out with the family.
my mom took pictures of everyone.
i love my family.

christmas eve

2008-12-24T17:46:00.000-08:00

i just love love love my family.
tonight we all met up at my nanas. there was 13 people there. We had lots of food and everyone was so excited to each other and esp connolly.

we all just celebrated our love for each other and for christ. of course little connolly got some toys and my nana gave all of us kids presents and i wrote out letters to everyone. then my poppy started talking. he tod us how blessed he was and how much he loved us. he cried while he said this and let me tell you i cried right along with him. Finally he got to his point which was my uncle. my uncle has had the hardest time and recently his trailer was stolen along with all of his equipment. he owns his own construction business so he neeeeds that trailer. My poppy told him to go outside and waiting out there was the trailer he needed. He was so surprised and so grateful. i love my unce with all of my heart.

god has been teaching me so much lately. when i went to camp he showed that the road had been hard and that it still would be hard but it would all be worth it in the end. lately the road has been hard, but im learning so much. im learning how much love and joy is found in God. Im learning to listen and lean on God. And im learning who he is and what he wants for me.

i love you i love you i love you god, i truly truly do.

merry christmas!!

life is beautiful

2008-12-23T18:08:00.001-08:00

i just have to start this out with how much i loooove god. Why something so incredible would love someone like me who has even disobeyed him i dont know why, but man i do love it.

everyone is so doing well. tonight we are spending the night with my nana and poppy. for most of my short life i never really knew them, but now my nana has become my best friend. We are pretty much the same person.

the girls in my group are doing so well to. I just love them all to pieces. they all are so different in some ways and exactly the same in others. my prayer is that they grow close to each other and they there hearts begin to yearn for christ. i made so many mistakes back in middle school i just didnt really understand " the whole god thing". they are beautiful girls.

oh man christmas is my favorite.

christmas

2008-12-20T16:31:00.000-08:00

today we went to the POP christmas symphony. me and nana so to the symphony almost every other weekend, so this was right up my ally! Michael was the conductor and man did he do a good job.

Today when when we were at the gas station a woman came up and asked for money. She had a vera bradley ( spelling) purse and was in a big SUV. it all seemed alittle fishy and my dad ended up not giving her any money. this made me think of how we should love people so much we go to all extremes to help them. i think that god wants us to love people so much that we are push overs. that even if there is a chance that they are d

eceiving you or taking advantage we still love them.

this our last little kitty named prince aboo

no more facebook

2008-12-17T14:56:00.000-08:00

im learning so much these last couple of days. sometimes i feel like im barely hanging in there. i have so many thoughts all jumbled up in my head.

two years ago i got into some trouble. i had a boyfriend who was a huge jerk to me and as time continued he got more angry and more aggressive. He has been jumping in and out of life for two years now. i have such a soft heart and for some reason its esp soft for him. and even though i know that i dont want to be with him my heart still hurts everytime hear about him, see him, or talk to him even if its just for a moment.

i recently realized that i am disobeying god by letting him in and out of my life and letting him effect my heart and feelings and my day so much. im still trying to put my thoughts together but right now im trying my hardest to lean God and let him fill my heart with joy and make me feel full inside instead of things and people.

on a happier note and as you can prob see baby connolly is doing so well. she has started swimming therapy and the therapists asked if they were sure she was sick. woo hoo!!

2008-11-03T15:46:00.000-08:00

so this is my first blog.
i guess im going to start it with the truth.
lately ive been feeling lost, confused, angry, and confused some more.
its so hard to live the God wants you to. ESP when you feel like you keep getting knocked down to the ground. it seems like everything now adays bring me down. How do you even know that what your doing is right? How do you know if your living GOds way? how do you know that God is even real.
idk