im in it.

thats the only way i can explain these period of times.

ive struggled with depression and anxiety since i moved into the apartments, our first year in GA.
something happened to me then, but i cant make sense of it yet.

ive been reading the lady i babysit for blogs. her brother has been "in it" for awhile.
something she said, not in the same words, but she said that God isnt revealing everything that hapened to him.
he knew that her brother wasnt ready to know everything.

thats comforting. so extremely comforting. its so hard for me to say im trusting god because i know something happened
and im scared i hurt someone else because of it. that sounds stupid, but idk how else to say it.

but i have to give myself and god credit. this year ive been moving forward. i left the boy who i depended on to make me feel good, to bring me up, to make me feel loved. i havent talked to him in months and when im "in it" i reaaaally feel like i need him, but im learning to lean on god. sometimes there are times i just lay in my bed repeating to god that im clinging to you, im clinging to you. im learning to listen to god and let him speak through me. im surrounded by really postive people. ive learned some of my strengths. i have a heart for children and im naturally good with them. i really enjoy being with and around them. god has put some really awesome people in my life. i also really enjoy being a small group leader.
man i love those girls, all 17 of them. and ive really felt god speaking through me and trust me i welcome it! ive also learned i have a heart for the broken. i guess cause they are or were "in it" to.

like i said before its so hard for me to say im trusting god with this now. but i need to. i know i need to.
i just need to trust him, he knows whats going on.
i just hate being "in it"