" just livin my life"

this was a pretty great weekend. i had my life camp all weekend.

one of my friends from middle school came along. i havent seen her in forever!
man, we were best friends and we clicked instantly this weekend.

when i started dating my last loser jerk boyfriend he kinda isolated me from alot of people. and in the end we lost touch.

i got a change to share jesus in different way. i got a chance for her to see the change in me. instead of giving her lecture about jesus i was able to let my actions show him. and eventually in barnes and noble really talk to her. and show her how jesus saved me. saved me from stupid mistakes. saved me from my stupid boyfriend.
that because of him im happy and even though i dont have things figured out and i mess up, god keeps loving me. and hes showing me who i really am.

you know things really suck sometimes. but i reaaaaally believe that some people just have to work harder. that god knew that there were people who were going to struggle more with different temptations and pressures. sometimes i get "in it". but god is standing strong with me. my mom knows i struggle quite a bit and she knew i loved our grandfather clock that always chimes. so she always tells whenever i hear it that i need to remb god is here, god loves me, and my parents love me. know i like sitting in the living room because i love hearing the clock even more.


my loser ex boyfriend tried to call me all weekend. my theory is that it was the devil trying to distract me from what god was showing me. i didnt answer :]]]]]
be proud!

im in it.

thats the only way i can explain these period of times.

ive struggled with depression and anxiety since i moved into the apartments, our first year in GA.
something happened to me then, but i cant make sense of it yet.

ive been reading the lady i babysit for blogs. her brother has been "in it" for awhile.
something she said, not in the same words, but she said that God isnt revealing everything that hapened to him.
he knew that her brother wasnt ready to know everything.

thats comforting. so extremely comforting. its so hard for me to say im trusting god because i know something happened
and im scared i hurt someone else because of it. that sounds stupid, but idk how else to say it.

but i have to give myself and god credit. this year ive been moving forward. i left the boy who i depended on to make me feel good, to bring me up, to make me feel loved. i havent talked to him in months and when im "in it" i reaaaally feel like i need him, but im learning to lean on god. sometimes there are times i just lay in my bed repeating to god that im clinging to you, im clinging to you. im learning to listen to god and let him speak through me. im surrounded by really postive people. ive learned some of my strengths. i have a heart for children and im naturally good with them. i really enjoy being with and around them. god has put some really awesome people in my life. i also really enjoy being a small group leader.
man i love those girls, all 17 of them. and ive really felt god speaking through me and trust me i welcome it! ive also learned i have a heart for the broken. i guess cause they are or were "in it" to.

like i said before its so hard for me to say im trusting god with this now. but i need to. i know i need to.
i just need to trust him, he knows whats going on.
i just hate being "in it"

this morning i woke up to a text from my mom saying that my uncle gave her something for me.

that morning i found an envelope with the letter J on it.
my uncle had wrote me letter about how proud he was and how much he loved me!
then i looked in th envelope again and saw ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!
i couldnt help but cry. i was so surprised and over flowing with joy.

well today as i was reading my book i was suddenly inspired!
i cant tell you what it is because i havent prayed about it.
but let me tell ya my heart has never been so excited.



love love love

tonight was a great night!

i came home from school. watched alittle wife swap then went to hang out with my grandpa.
a while ago i asked him if he would lead me in a bible study.
today was the first day! we had so much fun! he made me a worksheet everything.

after that he dropped me off to meet with my small group leader sarah p.
that was GREAT conversation. she is one of the greatest people i know.
lately ive been falling away from my current small group.
things have been changing so much for me. this last year i have learned so much.
i finally let go of the old me and is now embracing the new me. the person jesus knew i was all along.
everyone in my small group is still stuck in the slumps. i feel like i dont have any postive honest people to encourage and grow with me.
im dropping in my group because ive been with them for so long and ive never want to leave them.
but im now in search for another group. i really want to learn and grow. and i want some people who want that to.

my friend kasey have both been looking for this and sarah has said that she really wants to be that for us.

im meeting up with kasey tom and im really excited to catch up on her and talk about this new group.




also im reading an awesome book! ive actually stopped reading everything else.
im realizing that have a such a heart for the broken. i know what its like to feel so gone, so lost, so.... broken.
i also know what its like to pick up the pieces and surrender to christ.
now im not saying i have everything figured out cause i most deff dont ,but i get it.
and i want to love on the broken.

im sitting in my basement.
theres candy wrappers, a black sock, empty water bottles, and the smell of 12 sweaty sixth grade girls.

this weekend was been crazy! ive felt exhausted, frustrated, cranky, annoyed, overjoyed, giddy, and an over flow of love.

friday night i went and picked all my girls at the church. before we listened to some great music and listened to Phillip talk. it was the perfect way to get the night going and everyone reeeeeally crazy hyper!

saturday we talked about the person we were deep inside and qualities that were important to us.

then we went to the mall. the first store we went into we got kicked out. HAHA it makes me laugh now, but at the time i had one girl throwing up, one girl crying, and the others terrified! some guy accused one of them of trying to steal. he just misunderstood what she was trying to do. eh its over now.

that night we went back to the church and had our last session of the weekend. i had t pause and think of how to describe it.
there is nothing more incredible than being surronded by kids who have opened there hearts to God for the first time ever in there life. i was surronded by middle schoolers crying, overwhelmed by such an incredible God. a god who was telling them he was there, he loved them, he didnt care about what happened in the past, he loved them dearly.

i cried like a baby. i was so happy for all of these kids. it makes me cry now. im so proud of my girls.

well i didnt sleep so im going to get in my bed.... might clean first.

"Answer me when i call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.... the Lord will hear when i call to him."
Psalm 4: 1-3

my heart is so sad. one of sixth grade girls is going through alot.

she was adopted from Indonesia (i think thats how you spell it) at the age of 5.
as a young child she was exposed to things i cant even fully understand. even though she was so young there were things that were just embedded inside of her.

to add some things on top of that she is feeling alot of pressure.
pressure from friends at school, from TV shows, and from music.
it makes me so angry and so sad all at the same time. i want to meet the people who write the lyrics to the stupid songs and put those stupid TV shows on air.
they tell young people sex is ok. if you get pregnant there arnt REAL consequences.
it says lets change the world! but lets make pot legal! they say being gay is OK even God thinks its ok! they say dont do drugs, but they portray them to be cool.

my brothers young friend whos is in middle school texted me a couple of months ago.
she was completed heart broken, she felt confused, unworthy, disgusting, and dirty at least those were the words she used to describe herself. the boy I HAVE TO SIT BY EVERY DAY had sex with her. convinced her that he loved her and then took her virginity and then made fun of her and left her without a word. A 17 YEAR OLD BOY HAD SEX WITH A 12 YEAR OLD GIRL! i hate him. my eyes are tearing up i hate him so much. where were her parents?! where was her older brother?! why wasnt anyone there to protect her?
i cant even begin to understand it.

this little girl in my group has been stealing things. some of that comes from the things she went through as a young child, but it also comes from the pressures she has been experiencing.


i dont know what else to say expect that my heart is so sad. for her mother, and family, and esp for her. my heart is so sad for all of my sixth graders. for all children everywhere. i cant help but cry as i write this. sometimes i just dont get it. i wish i could understand why God would let these children get hurt.
but we wont ever understand, not yet anyways.
this is way we neeed him.

"Out of the depths i cry to you, O lord;
O Lord hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy."

"i love O Lord!" Psalms 18:1

God i trust you, God i love you. i know you are here and i know you love them all so dearly. even though i dont understand any of it at all i trust you. you know what your doing. you know what will happen in the end. please use me in anyway you want. i am yours, my life is yours. i love you i love you i love you

now i just want to worship you

today was a hard day.
i got to sleep in alittle and was up on time and had my shower and fixed my hair ext ext.
but i had clean close upstairs so i ran upstairs in a towel and discovered that someone in the family had dumped my clothes out on the floor so that they could use that basket (that person has to come clean of course). and THEN i see that my dog has gatten into trash and there is now rice all over my clean clothes!! so im basically furious in the kitchen naked in a towel. So then my youngest sister, the youngest, has lately been hitting that age of randomly angry, randomly really "snotty". So she comes down is saying something and honestly i dont even remb what she said but i do remb it just made the whole thing worse. so i find something somewhat decent and im ready for church.

incase you didnt know im a small grouper for 17 sixth grade girls. and i love them to death. they make me laugh so hard. but i annouced at the camp coming up that there were no cell phones. and one girl cried! and another was extremely disrespectful to me.
i felt so awful here i am trying to do the right thing for THEM and there either crying or mad at me. so by the time i got to my nanas i went to bathroom and just cried.

but tonight my mom took us all out to eat. and i got a chance to talk to my mom about the whole thing at church and she had some good advice for me. then the little girl who was rude called me and said she was sorry and was so sincere about it to. and then i stopped by the house of the people i babysit i got a chance to see the whole family. there mother is someone i love so dearly and look up to and was so kind and remb i had the SAT and all her kids wanted to talk to me at the same time and show me some of the crafts they had made.

Gods popped up. he reminded me that he was there and i wasnt alone. He will take care of everything. i love him dearly.