"Answer me when i call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.... the Lord will hear when i call to him."
Psalm 4: 1-3

my heart is so sad. one of sixth grade girls is going through alot.

she was adopted from Indonesia (i think thats how you spell it) at the age of 5.
as a young child she was exposed to things i cant even fully understand. even though she was so young there were things that were just embedded inside of her.

to add some things on top of that she is feeling alot of pressure.
pressure from friends at school, from TV shows, and from music.
it makes me so angry and so sad all at the same time. i want to meet the people who write the lyrics to the stupid songs and put those stupid TV shows on air.
they tell young people sex is ok. if you get pregnant there arnt REAL consequences.
it says lets change the world! but lets make pot legal! they say being gay is OK even God thinks its ok! they say dont do drugs, but they portray them to be cool.

my brothers young friend whos is in middle school texted me a couple of months ago.
she was completed heart broken, she felt confused, unworthy, disgusting, and dirty at least those were the words she used to describe herself. the boy I HAVE TO SIT BY EVERY DAY had sex with her. convinced her that he loved her and then took her virginity and then made fun of her and left her without a word. A 17 YEAR OLD BOY HAD SEX WITH A 12 YEAR OLD GIRL! i hate him. my eyes are tearing up i hate him so much. where were her parents?! where was her older brother?! why wasnt anyone there to protect her?
i cant even begin to understand it.

this little girl in my group has been stealing things. some of that comes from the things she went through as a young child, but it also comes from the pressures she has been experiencing.


i dont know what else to say expect that my heart is so sad. for her mother, and family, and esp for her. my heart is so sad for all of my sixth graders. for all children everywhere. i cant help but cry as i write this. sometimes i just dont get it. i wish i could understand why God would let these children get hurt.
but we wont ever understand, not yet anyways.
this is way we neeed him.

"Out of the depths i cry to you, O lord;
O Lord hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy."

"i love O Lord!" Psalms 18:1

God i trust you, God i love you. i know you are here and i know you love them all so dearly. even though i dont understand any of it at all i trust you. you know what your doing. you know what will happen in the end. please use me in anyway you want. i am yours, my life is yours. i love you i love you i love you

now i just want to worship you

today was a hard day.
i got to sleep in alittle and was up on time and had my shower and fixed my hair ext ext.
but i had clean close upstairs so i ran upstairs in a towel and discovered that someone in the family had dumped my clothes out on the floor so that they could use that basket (that person has to come clean of course). and THEN i see that my dog has gatten into trash and there is now rice all over my clean clothes!! so im basically furious in the kitchen naked in a towel. So then my youngest sister, the youngest, has lately been hitting that age of randomly angry, randomly really "snotty". So she comes down is saying something and honestly i dont even remb what she said but i do remb it just made the whole thing worse. so i find something somewhat decent and im ready for church.

incase you didnt know im a small grouper for 17 sixth grade girls. and i love them to death. they make me laugh so hard. but i annouced at the camp coming up that there were no cell phones. and one girl cried! and another was extremely disrespectful to me.
i felt so awful here i am trying to do the right thing for THEM and there either crying or mad at me. so by the time i got to my nanas i went to bathroom and just cried.

but tonight my mom took us all out to eat. and i got a chance to talk to my mom about the whole thing at church and she had some good advice for me. then the little girl who was rude called me and said she was sorry and was so sincere about it to. and then i stopped by the house of the people i babysit i got a chance to see the whole family. there mother is someone i love so dearly and look up to and was so kind and remb i had the SAT and all her kids wanted to talk to me at the same time and show me some of the crafts they had made.

Gods popped up. he reminded me that he was there and i wasnt alone. He will take care of everything. i love him dearly.

today i got all 71 dollars worth of pictures!

what a perfect time to get them. it made me feel so refreshed and reflect on all the good times.

my life is pretty awesome.
gods pretty awesome.

all week i have been running around.
and starting tom it will get busy again.

SO today was my do nothing day.
it was fantastic!
i went to bed early, woke up at 10, watched sense and sensibility, watched free movies on cable,
and im ending my day with jon and kate plus 8 marathon!
oh yea stayed in my pjs allll day

i hang out with cool sixth graders

this week has been crazy busy.
ive babysat everyday
ive study for chemistry and geometry tests
ive TRIED to prepare for the SAT
ive written a 10 page bussiness letter
and ive hung out with 13 sixth graders at CiCis pizza hut.


i love babysitting! you grow to love those kids so much!

and i love my little sixth grade children.
they are some of the loudest, craziest, funniest, most loving group of kids ive ever met!
there so kind to each other and each person makes the other feel welcomed and loved.
there so awesome!
heres some picture from today!

school school school


what do i need to do?
raise my GPA
get a 100 in CHEMISTRY!!! and MATH!!!!
get A's in the other classes
finish practice SAT
pug in allll the answers into computer
TAKE the SAT
call all 16 of my girls.
babysit
go in early for help and tutor

looks like another sleepless month.

man i have so many things say.

school is kicking my butt and taking most of time. for matter of fact i have hw to do right now.
ive always struggled with depression. its hard because its always so up and down. one day things are awesome the next they are not.
the devil has been persueing me so hard lately. sometimes at night im scared of demons. he just knows my every weakness.
my biggest weaknesses is my old boyfriend. its been so long since ive even seen him but he still trys to contact me.
things always get better and im going to make it through this.
idk what else to say other than that.



i need more things to do with my time. believe it or not i need things to help occupy mind and keep thinking postively.
i think im going to start yoga :]
idk something fun


ive got youth group and then a book club. sundays are never restful. :] buuut there fun!

today was a great day. i woke everyone up and had them clean the house completely for my mom. then my poppy and nana came and got us and took us to steak and shake and petsmart. i have the greatest grandparents fyi.

i think i today i learned that i looove doing things. i like reading, finishing up laundry, picking up my room, typing up emails, calling my girls. ive realized that i dont like being lazy and that its relaxing to read my book or fold the laundry.

i love my siblings. everyone has there own special personalities that really makes this family wonderful.

catherine who is 15. is just goofy and silly. she is always laughing and makes us all laugh along with her. she really cares for her friends and will always be there for them.

jack is 12. he is the peacemaker. with three girls who all have opinions there tend to be arguments and my brother is the one to change the subject quickly. he is quiet and thoughtful and is always listening. he is extremely smart to. he is always giving us facts about animals and space and germs.

emily is 11. she acts like a teenager allready! she is so free spirited and has such a love for life. i remb when she use to skip down walmart singing. she is always smiling and always looking to me and catherine for guideness wether in clothes or friends.

the greatest thing about them all is that they all have such great big hearts. they all love there friends and each other with everything in them. my prayer is that they learn to love jesus this way and feel his love for them aswell.

so at this point in time im realizing that the devil has really been persueing me.
its like he knows that school is extremely hard on me. i feel like i never really come home feeling great or sastified. i feel more drained and exhausted and grumpy.

im beginning to learn how to relive my life. ive been feeling caught in these patterns which are leaning me more toward loneliness. but i feel God. and i feel him telling me to hang in there.
awhile ago i went to a camp and i went on a hike by myself. god really spoke to me then. he showed that things had been hard in the past and that they were still going to be hard, but in the end things would beautiful and i would find the peace i so desperatly want.

im still figuring things out, but things always get better. thats how life is. things are bad and good, up and down, back and forth.


on a strange note, i took tylenol PM on accident this morning. so not only was i waaay overwhelmed by the 24 sixth grade girls packed into one room but i was really hot and groggy and grumpy and i couldnt get my sentances out correctly.
at this point in time im wide awake.

i just saw a commerical where someone tried to break into a house while there was a babysitter home. i have never locked the doors when im babysitting, but now i think i will!

today i spent the day with the stephens. we ran around altantic station for alittle while then ended up at king tut. it was really cool there. we saw a coffin and necklaces and rings and some other things. its so weird to think that someone was once in the coffin and whereing those rings. 

im realizing that most of the words in this have red dotted lines under them, but i dont feel like fixing my spelling errors.

lets see where is my heart... 

right now my heart is confused. ive fallen into my old ways and old ways of thinking.

part of me was annoyed because i wasnt feeling god and i felt like i was crying out to him.

reality of it was i wasnt reaaaally listening for him.

he has also taught me the last couple of days that i feel him the most when im loving others and when im surronded by his art... aka his people, his trees, his nature. 

thats it for now. 

these are some of my girls. they are so great!